Day 3- Coming to Terms with Cancer
Today was actually ok. I slept better, and I was starting to come to terms with the diagnosis. Andy left to go to work for a few hours and it gave me some time to think while mindless television was playing quietly in the background. I reached out to a co-worker whom I had eerily talked about breast cancer with a couple of months ago. She had breast cancer a couple of years ago as a 32 year old new mom. I knew I could reach out to her and she would understand. I felt bad texting it to her, but she understood that I couldn’t yet talk about it out loud. Her first response was, “Fuck” which apparently is an accepted response to someone saying, “I was just diagnosed with breast cancer.” She was immediately supportive and saying positive things like, you are strong, and you can get through this. I felt relieved and glad to have someone else know about my diagnosis.
Besides crying, watching mindless tv, and connecting with people, I emailed my professor requesting an extension on the big paper due this weekend. I also took a bath for the first time since the biopsy. It felt amazing. I cleaned the bathroom, which was much needed. It felt good to accomplish something with immediate rewards. I also called Linda, yes I remember her name now. I asked her a few questions that had been on my mind. Like, what should I expect from the appointment with the surgeon, should I be looking into seeking care elsewhere, seeking second opinions, and what are the potential treatments for this type of cancer. She gave fairly general answers, which I expected, but she was a good listener and helped ease my worry about the upcoming appointment.
Andy came home, and we decided to get out of the house. We went to a local vegan restaurant, yum. We have decided this was the push we needed to eat healthier, even though I think we eat pretty healthy as it is. I could kind of go either way, either say screw it and eat whatever the hell I want, I’ve already got cancer, or try and eat as if I could cure it through food. I think the latter option is the best at this point, although the former is also appealing depending on my mood. We also went to the Herbivorous Butcher and purchased vegan Korean ribs, lunchmeat, and carnitas. We came home, fed the animals and took the pups for a short walk in the again, spring like, day. We saw one of the neighbors, and he asked about India. I think I had a shocked look on my face because I totally forgot about my recent trip to India already. He asked, how was it, and all I could muster was, "it was awesome." He said he would love to hear about it sometime and I said, "yeah, maybe this summer." Weird exchange, but reminded me there is more to my life than just cancer.
I ended the day snuggling with Oggy on the couch. He has been gravitating towards my cancer boob lately, I don’t know if that is for a reason, or if I am just making unprecedented connections now that I know it is trying to kill me. He so gently and sweetly snuggles in despite me trying to keep him away. This was what we looked like for at least a couple of hours before bed.
Today was strangely calming. Maybe because I am blissfully ignorant to what was actually going on. I have no idea if we caught it early or if it has spread throughout my entire body and I have weeks to live. I don't know how big the tumor is, what stage it was, or what treatments I have to endure. It is this weird limbo, and I am enjoying the ignorance.